I’ve lived almost my entire life with Depression. It’s been hard, and has tested all my relationships.
Some months it feels futile, like as if this is all there is. I feel as if I just want to end it all. Yet I’m still here, even though I’ve had more then a few attempts on my own life throughout my youth.
The reason I’m still here, even though as I’m writing this I’m on the brink of tears, wishing that my life would end, is because of one friend I met during high school.
Her name was Courtney, she was 2 years older then me, but we met through mutual friends. She was very opinionated, having made plenty of enemies with her personality. Yet that didn’t stop her from making many friends, all of whom respected and enjoyed her company.
I only knew her for a few months, but we became good friends over that short time. I enjoyed talking to her since we both where Gay, and it was common ground to talk about gay things.
Then one day she didn’t show up, it wasn’t too big of a deal, happens all the time. What was really strange was that mid way through that day we had a surprise assembly. It was unusual for these things to happen so sudden.
The principal came out, and let us know what had happened yesterday afternoon. Courtney’s mother had come home, and found Courtney hanging from her Ceiling fan.
That was it, there was no more Courtney. She was gone, forever. My brain couldn’t process it, I started to make jokes, to cope with it.
Her friends and family where distraught, everyone who knew her was upset. She had touched so many lives, and with the loss of her own, shattered them.
Everyone I knew was wondering “Did I do enough? Could I have stopped this?”. That question echoed throughout everyone’s mind for months. The simple answer was “No”, we cannot be responsible for the actions of an individual like this, no matter how much we feel we could’ve saved them.
Courtney is the reason I have never since attempted to take my own life, I have seen the destruction and heartbreak it has brought. I understand firsthand what it can do to a family, group of friends, or even just acquaintances. I cannot bring myself to do that to anyone.
I’ll be honest, in the periods of life when I feel happy, I forget about Courtney. The memory is often too painful to remember, so it’s easier to forget. During times of great distress though, when I’m close to another attempt on my own life, I’m reminded of her.
Courtney wasn’t the most palatable person, some people couldn’t stand her, but many more could. She touched many peoples lives, especially mine. It’s entirely because of her I’m still here.